Editor's note: Embargo for Sunday
Editor's note: Embargo for Sunday
The words – a prolonged rant directed at Jenni Carlson, a columnist for the Daily Oklahoman - were originally uttered by Oklahoma State head football coach Mike Gundy during a postgame press conference last weekend in Stillwater, Okla.
The words were repeated by my boss during our weekly post-column conference in Brockton this past week.
“I want to talk about this article,” the boss screamed at me, holding up last Sunday’s Flawless picks column. “Three-fourths of this is inaccurate.”
Did I mention the boss is prone to exaggeration?
Truth be told, I went 8-8 last week – a .500 mark, I pointed out to the boss, that former New England Patriots coordinators Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis, two men once heralded as geniuses around here, would gladly sacrifice their next meals for these days.
Did I mention that I’m also prone to exaggeration?
Crennel and Weis aren’t sacrificing their next meals for anything.
But I digress.
“So get your facts straight!” the boss implored me during a verbal slapdown that was every bit as ugly as Tony Eason’s performance in Super Bowl XX.
“Who’s the kid here?” I was asked.
Given the facts that I’ve often been accused of being immature and a first grader could have done better picking games than I did last week, I’d have to say the evidence is mounting.
“It makes me want to puke,” the boss concluded.
I had to agree with him there.
My picks last week made me want to puke.
Well, it was either my picks or that meatloaf my wife made.
Baltimore 19, Cleveland 9 – Former Browns head coach Butch Davis’ depth chart in his first year at the University of North Carolina includes a running back by the name of Richie Rich. I don’t know, but it seems to me it isn’t such a good thing when one of your skill position players in a character straight out of a comic book.
Chicago 20, Detroit 10 – During the fourth quarter of last Sunday night’s game with the Cowboys, NBC’s Andrea Kremer reported that the Bears have told quarterback Rex Grossman they want to see him “take the next step” before they sign him to a new contract. Three days later, Grossman was benched in favor of Brian Griese. Take the next step? Grossman’s reached the point where he really needs to hop on the next escalator.
Green Bay 28, Minnesota 14 – The Packers’ starting right guard is named Jason Spitz. Which also answers the question, “What does the Packers’ starting right guard do when he has excessive saliva in his mouth?”
Houston 27, Atlanta 10 – Michael Vick and three co-defendants were indicted by a grand jury in Sussex, Va., Tuesday on state charges related to the dogfighting ring operated on the Falcons quarterback’s Virginia property. Surry County Commonwealth’s Attorney Gerald G. Poindexter asked that the four be arraigned this Wednesday and requested that each be released on a $50,000 personal recognizance bond. Vick’s life has reached the point where even Poindexter is bullying him around.
New York Jets 19, Buffalo 7 – Some team’s defensive backs give opposing receivers a cushion. The Bills’ defensive backs give opposing receivers the entire sofa and a love seat.
Miami 24, Oakland 13 - Linebacker Joey Porter has guaranteed a Dolphins win in this game, which isn’t quite the same as Joe Willie Namath guaranteeing a Jets victory over the Colts in Super Bowl III. Guaranteeing victory over the modern-era Raiders is the equivalent of guaranteeing a resolution at the end of the next episode of “Dr. Phil.”
Dallas 31, St. Louis 10 – The Dallas Morning News reported Tuesday that the Cowboys’ Nick Folk has been kicking with a sore left ankle, which the newspaper identified as being on his “plant foot.” I’m told Folk’s plant foot is easily distinguishable. It’s the one with the begonia sticking out of it.
San Francisco 23, Seattle 20 – Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander will play wearing a wrap to protect a broken bone in his wrist. It’s Alexander’s ragtime hand.
Tampa Bay 17, Carolina 14 – In memory of French mime Marcel Marceau, who passed away last weekend, the two competing teams in this game have agreed to go with silent counts.
Indianapolis 34. Denver 20 - Benched following a shoddy season-opening performance, Notre Dame quarterback Demetrius Jones surprised the Irish’s coaches by pulling a no-show for the team’s bus trip for its game at Michigan and is reportedly transferring to Cincinnati. If he’d executed the quarterback sneak that well on the field, Jones would still be starting for the Irish.
San Diego 27, Kansas City 10 – So the Chargers have gone from a 14-2 finish under Marty Schottenheimer to a 1-2 start under Norv Turner. If they lose this game, the Chargers will have officially gone from Schott to no shot.
Pittsburgh 20, Arizona 12 – Cardinals defensive tackle Darnell Dockett must have an agenda.
Philadelphia 26, New York Giants 19 – The Jets waived offensive lineman Andrew Wicker earlier this year. I sure hope Wicker is doing all right psychologically. I’d hate to think Wicker has become a basket case.
New England 44, Cincinnati 24 (Monday night) – According to a news release from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, a report published in “Deaths: Preliminary Date for 2005” shows that Americans can now expect to live nearly 78 years. I believe this number has been skewed by the Patriots’ linebacking corps.
Last week: 8-8
Flawless Farley’s NFL picks column appears in The Sunday Enterprise.